The Suffering Journey

July 28, 2024, changed many things for me. Early that morning, I rose early because of a bit of insomnia. Thinking I would read and go back to sleep, things changed quickly. I slipped into a fog, thinking I was having a bad dream. My right hand was not functioning, and I could not grip a pen nor grab my phone as things formed a blur. Fortunately, dropping the book and phone alerted my wife that something was wrong. Thinking I had fallen, she wisely came upstairs and noticed I was off. I could not speak, focus, or tell her what was happening. It was her fast action that saved my life. Her actions and the swift actions of the fire and rescue team from Cedar Falls led the way to life change. It is by God’s grace today that I can write this story.

I have never been more scared than the moment the emergency team was loading me into the ambulance. Images of the troubled look on my son Heston’s face and Karen’s as I left the house, thinking about what I would not give for one more hug. My mind raced with disdain, and I could not tell my little boy how much I loved him. My lips were frozen, and I was watching him in despair. The helpless feeling of thinking this could be the last time either of them saw me left me gutted. Would I ever see my parents again? This was not how I wanted my family to remember me. Nothing else mattered in the world then: possessions; nothing mattered anymore as my consciousness blurred in and out during the ride as the crew chatted with me. I found myself in heated prayer with Jesus to come with me and be with me, as it was not an exchange to save me but to imbue me and change the soil of my heart. Not a promise to change for healing, but how can I become intimate with Him moving forward to change my garden and rid me of the weeds? To pluck the ugly in exchange for the loving. (Ecc 3:2)

I cannot blame God or anyone else for the consequences of my lack of actions to care for myself. It was prideful arrogance, resentful ignorance, and lack of self-awareness that landed me in this harrowing situation. Without faith, it could feel like the suffering results from chaos and impersonal forces that collide without guaranteed results. With faith, we have and know the guaranteed results (Psalm 76:25-26). We know Jesus will never abandon us; from John 14:18, we will never be orphaned. Hebrews 13:5-6 we are assured of His confidence in what we have now.

Suffering is an invitation to how God sees and hears our suffering. (Gen 16:7-14 Exodus 2:22-25) Jesus exemplifies suffering as He experienced ridicule, cruelty, and pain and endured abuse to die on the cross, eventually. During my hospital stay, I leaned on Jesus in a way I had never had before. Because God knows suffering firsthand, I could not converse with Him, accusing Him of “Why me, or Jesus, you do not know what this is like.” Jesus cares when we do not expect it. Jesus comes near in our times of crisis, and His presence was felt during my stay and lifted me to press on with endurance. (Romans 8:28)

It would be easy to ask why. To question God why He allows suffering to enter the world and why I was chosen. Also, one could question why the serpent could enter the Garden of Eden. Who likes snakes? If God is strong, why would he not have destroyed the snake and Satan from the beginning? All questions are reasonable and can quickly be wrestled with, but knowing the answers on this side of heaven is impossible. More reasonable questions would be to ask God how to become more intimate with Him and love Him more deeply during these darkest moments of my four-day hospitalization.

The hospital stay drew me deeper into God and His loving nature on display. Despite the chaos, it was an opportunity to build my relationship with God. I compare the understanding to the first drawing Heston made for me as a child—the moment he brought me with eager pride, an example of his prized possession that only he understands. Before speaking, I would say that it is beautiful. Please explain to me how you created this image. As parents, how can we crush their moment of joy by saying that has a beautiful garbage truck, only to have them say, “Dad, it has a photo of you. I asked the safer question to go from there with our conversations. God is the same way, and He will not crush your heart through difficult circumstances. Through tender care and understanding, we acquire insight by reflecting on who our children are and who God is. We hear their beauty uniquely (Romans 1-18-20), and an innovative God and child blossom daily. During the time of reflection, I learned how relational God is.

While suffering, I discovered what was stirring inside my heart, as it does with many others. It was a reminder of how soil can quickly turn to silt and build a sludge that clogs fertile soil. Moses battled with the Israelites and witnesses of suffering during the exodus and their need for humbling hearts. (Dt 8:2-3) Suffering exposes the most abstract part of the inner heart. Strife and struggle burn off the layers of self-deception, and I realized the layers that needed to be removed from my heart. While harboring resentment, self-deception, ego, and self-dependence turned into a sludge-filled bitterness.

My illness and reflection became an open invitation into God’s kingdom on a new level. Harboring became a corrective discipline where reflection turned my outward ways into inward growth. It would have been easy to say, “Why me?” However, Joseph’s story teaches something different. Joseph suffered immensely in Egypt only to repay his family later during the famine (GN 50:20).

Individuals suffer so that others may be excluded, although an individual may yell, “Why me!” as if all things that happen should be for one’s benefit. I share my story to enrich others because you are important to me and those around you and unique to God. Kingdom work is not arranged around our individual plans; it is based upon God’s Kingdom work, which uses us. His work is not based on what we want. As I can share, I did not wish to have a stroke or jeopardize my family with a loss. There are no guarantees life will go without trials; many have already faced multiple storms. Life has no guarantees. However, God is always present; eventually, everyone faces a trial. How we choose to face them changes everything within the circumstance. Count it all joy, as James tells us in verse 1:1-2, and remember it is for the sake of others. These dangers are the very reasons I share this testimony.

During my four-day stay in the hospital, Jesus opened an invitation to the suffering, exposing four elements.

•          Examine my heart
•          To depend on Jesus
•          Training my faith
•          Training my holiness

Reflecting on Deuteronomy 8:23, the insulted world would grumble and complain as they were humbled in the wilderness. Suffering exposed the seeds God had planted on hardened soil within my heart, and the roots were shallow. Training is brutal, and preparing for the next steps is difficult. Not until the Israelites were pressed to enter Canaan, engaging armies much more extensive and substantial, did they find hardship had trained them?

“Think about it: Just as a parent disciplines a child, the Lord your God disciplines you for your own good.” (Deuteronomy 8:5, NLT)

We learn through discipline. In our struggle, we have often not shed blood through our resistance. Resistance had my full attention at every level.

            “After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin. And have you forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you as his children? He said, “My child, don’t make light of the Lord’s discipline, and don’t give up when he corrects you. For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child.” As you endure this divine discipline, remember that God is treating you as his own children. Who ever heard of a child who is never disciplined by its father? If God doesn’t discipline you as he does all of his children, it means that you are illegitimate and are not really his children at all. Since we respected our earthly fathers who disciplined us, shouldn’t we submit even more to the discipline of the Father of our spirits, and live forever? For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God’s discipline is always good for us, so that we might share in his holiness. No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.” (Hebrews 12:4–11, NLT)

I resisted everything, thinking I could do it alone, expressing my pride and ego. Training was and is difficult at this time of trial.

            Training in holiness teaches the difference between punishment and discipline. Pain creates growth and holiness. Punishment is an extraction of payment for what is owed. The Lord knows we can never repay our sins; He has already covered that for us.

            Corrective discipline is meant for good, growing our hearts into fruitful soil and individual purpose. It is growth in holiness as a testament to what God can do in the blind spots we possess, as Jesus did with the blind man in John 9:3.

                        “It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answers. “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him.” (John 9:3, NLT)

            I can count it all joy, as Dr. John Perkins always expresses as his testament in life. James tells us this expressly in James 1-2.

            “My brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy” (James 1:2, NRSV)

            Today, I share this to consider the tune of suffering to be nothing but joy, for it is a good day to be alive.